Fever and Fractions

I have been in Spain for a total of ten months. I've been telling people it's been eight months for a while but time has caught up with me at last. Who am I, where am I going?

I am teaching fractions to my second graders this week. It's interesting to find fractions in myself: one half Swedish, nine tenths satisfied, one quarter lonely, five sixths of a year. I am one half excited about the next steps of my life and one half sad to see this chapter end. My little second graders are once again saying good-bye to their classmates that are moving from Madrid and I am saying good-bye to them. One of the mothers admitted the other day that I see more of her son than she does. In some ways, it's like saying good-bye to my family back in the States.

I feel strangely restless lately. Not dissatisfied, not irratible, but self-critical and antsy. My dreams are about the Pacific Northwest, wet and green. In my dreams all my friends and family talk at the same time and the air is wet and cool. Sometimes I dream about my faults. I dream that when I am painting my fingernails the paint dries too fast and doesn't slip easily over my nails. In my dreams I cannot understand any Spanish at all and no one can understand me. Mostly, my dreams leave me feeling exhausted and empty.

The way I am feeling is highly ironic. My life is filled with wonderful things. I've been seeing a wonderful guy, my job is satisfying and challenging, I am moving forward professionally, and I have many exciting things filling my calendar. Despite the feeling that I am not learning fast enough, I do know much more Spanish than I admit. In just two weeks I will be traveling back to the States to see my friends and family and relax with two months off work. Demasiadas cosas buenas.

Could that be it? Too many good things? My world here is tangled and twisted. Much of my life is spent with a tight family of teachers with strong personalities. Spain is a country known for its party attitude and I'm exhausted by the social "obligations". When I come back to Washington for the summer it will be much of the same. I enjoy celebrating life and friendships, but I think I am tired of the people here.

Last weekend I was invited to a birthday party of someone I barely know. It was so refreshing to spend time amongst strangers. I didn't mind that I was on the fringe, that every conversation was in stilted Spanish or that some of the people paid little attention to me. It was wonderful not to know the gossip about anyone. I loved speaking Spanish and didn't mind my grammar mistakes as much that night. The few people I knew at the party were warm and funny and animated. It was brilliant.

Tonight I will go to yet another party. A party full of people I work with (yet again), people who have annoyed me, who have warmed my heart, and who I have diappointed. There will be gossip, there will be drinking, but most importantly there will be dancing. Thank heavans for dancing. So long as I am dancing, I can shake off the feeling that I'm tethered to the expectations of others.