Everyone is antsy, no one is content. Nearly everyone I meet is looking for something better, something easier. People talk about people they know or cultures they've visited, or times past when problems were simpler. I've met very few people who are content with where they are, who they are, and the people around them. Everyone is looking for the answer rather than appreciating the equation. Including myself, of course. Why are we on this journey? Why are we so hell-bent on perfection?
My life is golden: I am young, smart, talented (not to mention humble), and have amazing friends and family. I come from a beautiful region rich in culture and nature. I have had many amazing opportunities and experiences. I am from a middle class family which means I work hard for my success but my years of being "poor" are easier than most. Yet I still feel this disappointment when I think about my life. I blame it on not painting enough, loneliness, and simply being young and displaced but as valid as those causes are, it doesn't quite explain it.
Now, after living away from all the most important people in my life for nearly a year, I've returned. Looking around, I see a lot of the same problems I left behind. Fair enough; I don't expect them to disappear. However, it makes me reexamine my life and my expectations. On top of my own expectations I've been wondering about the romanticized expectations of all people--love, success, family, wealth.
A wise cousin of mine once gave me some good advice concerning men. She said, "No man is perfect, Jamie. You have to know their faults and decide what you can and cannot live with." I suppose that same philosophy applies to life: change the parts that are unlivable and deal with the rest the best you can.
So I moved to Spain to change the parts of my life that I could change for the better. Now I'm faced with an old problem: being single. All around me people are either getting married, dealing with the challenges of marriage, or looking for someone. I've worked hard to be content with myself, my life, and my future. Whatever comes, comes. I am strong. But there is this little voice inside of me that keeps screaming for someone to love me. That voice gets more and more urgent with every friend that says their vows, with every friend that is dumped by a sleazy guy from a bar, with every stupid romantic comedy I watch. It seems that voice is propelling me towards my own little discontentment.
I've been in love before, but when it ended it left me feeling suspicious, cynical, and critical. I do my best to feel at ease with my life, to enjoy the beautiful moments that come by, but I can't quiet the voice that tells me I deserve more. That everyone deserves more. Why live with a sorrowful romance for thirty or forty years? Why hide from your spouse through manipulation? Why date sleazy guys just to feel pretty and desirable? Why wait around for someone who can't tell you how they feel?
But what was it I was arguing before? Let's be content! Let's appreciate the beautiful moments we have! Be compassionate about the faults of others! What life is telling me is that it doesn't matter what we deserve. We are lucky to get those few moments of beauty and we'll just have to learn to be content with what we have.
So. Someone tell me it's worth it.
